Sunday, August 27, 2006

The post I should have kept to myself

This is the post I should have kept to myself. For several days I debated writing it, or something like it, but stopped myself. Sunday is a great day to write it, because not many people read blogs on Sunday and maybe I'll have something more cheery by tomorrow, I hope so. That's the main reason I haven't been blogging or writing comments much lately. I try to be relatively cheerful or funny or at least not too boring or sad in my comments on other people's blogs. But I guess I can write what I like on my own blog. Since it's like a journal to me, it's often not so funny or cheery.

As you may have guessed from the oh-so-cheery beginning, I've been down lately, quite down. I should be happy, this weekend in particular, because I took Monday off and it's a nice, long weekend. But I'm just tired and sad, and thinking too much. In fact my son nailed it yesterday in the car. He, my Mom and I were driving to a restaurant. We've not eaten out all together for...months. We were talking about a situation at a furniture store and he said, "We THINK too much. All of our family over-analyze and think too much. I'm trying to just drop it." So we got into a short discussion of the merits of not thinking and analyzing everything and decided that while people who just go with things aren't deep thinkers--they probably are a lot happier people. I'm trying to remember that today and the rest of this weekend.

It's just that I see so many sad things. There's much that I'm grateful for, but life is so fragile and we are so fragile. All around me there is injustice and people getting hurt in various ways. Yesterday at the library I checked out a book "Secret Girl: A Memoir" by Molly Bruce Jacobs. It's such an interesting, readable book that I gobbled it up last night while watching "Pearl Harbor" on TV.

At first I felt very judgmental about the family in the book, they are so cold and scarely seem to care about one another. Then I realized that it bothered me because my family is like that. We don't really seem to care about each other. Oh I love my son dearly and we have a great relationship, but our relationship with my Mom is usually strained and I seldom see my brothers or their families at all--for years. I don't even know them or their kids and grandkids. The saddest part is that I'm not sure that I even want to, we are a cold family, just like the one in the book.

When my Mom suggested we all move in together last January, I was surprised but hopeful. I still was hoping for a good relationship with her and that she'd get to know my son better, too. It didn't happen. She dislikes him now (they hadn't seen each other for months) and while she wants me around her all the time to wait on her, she scarely has anything to say except old news about my younger brother, her favorite child. She's not interested in our life and despite my trying to get her to go to senior events, etc and meet people, she doesn't have much of a life either.

She gave me a birthday card with $20 in it yesterday. She didn't even bother to get me a gift. I have $20 already in my pocket, it's a nothing gift, cost her nothing not even any trouble except to get the card. She has lots of money and is totally mobile enough to go shopping (and she does) on her own. While thinking and saying that about her gift may seem horribly ungrateful of me, I think it's indicative of how our family is, they just don't want to bother. And although it was such a small thing, it really got to me. Probably because I was already depressed about things. I think it started with my hair, which sounds so foolish. But a sudden severe decrease in attractiveness is a real downer, believe me!

And the situation with my two best friends, SLA and V-Man, who are no longer my best friends. Yeah, there are a lot of things to think about, for sure. I guess I'm just sad and lonely. And like my son mentioned yesterday, thinking too much. It's dangerous to think too much. Dangerous to happiness, which is so fragile and fleeting. I started writing this deliberately when I didn't have much time. Now, thanksfully for you(!) the time is up. I must get ready for church. Hope you have a good day and weekend!


Blogger Anvilcloud said...

I think it's very human to get a little down at times. Go with the flow, and you'll feel differently soon, I'm sure.

10:58 AM  
Blogger Aims said...

Sorry to hear you've been feeling down. I hope that you are soon feeling better & your normal self. Take care of yourself.

11:51 AM  
Blogger Lorna said...

Self-discovery is so much better, in the longrun, but it sucks in the short term. It sounds like you need a holiday---one of my new leather sofabeds, and a very small kitchen, are both available.

11:51 AM  
Blogger Lorna said...

Of course, if you were to take me up on that, you'd have to tell me your real name....

11:52 AM  
Blogger deni said...

It's ok to write what you feel, and it's ok to feel sad and lonely, you are human after all.

You will come out of this, but sometimes we need to just wallow for a bit.


5:33 PM  
Blogger Dale said...

All will be well in time. That's a fact. I hope you took some comfort in the sermon I posted.

Hold on tight, PB. And let it go.


6:32 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

I am coming over from Deni's blog (Hi Deni!) and even though I am a stranger I though I would say something.
I can totally relate. I look around at the world and I just feel so sad and hopeless at changing anything.
But that is not true. Really it isn't. We can do things to change the world even if it is really, really small.
Recently I found this site. and it is making a small difference in the life of my kids and me. We buy potted plants and leave them at our neighbors door and knock and run away! ( I live in a condo.) I have given these cards to drive through staff with a small tip. It may seem like nothing but the thrill we get is so energizing!
Make sure you also take time for yourself. Go for a walk, take up a hobby, sit in a hot bath, journal, listen to a CD.
Keep the lines of communication open with your son. With that you are breaking the cycle of dysfunction. Try mailing out a card to your siblings. Maybe surprise your mom one day with flowers "just because".
I am sending you hugs. Know that the world just may look a little brighter inthe morning.:)

6:56 PM  
Blogger sumo said...

Your family is not unusual or odd at fact...families like yours would be statistically the norm. And there's always going to be those in the relationship that would like it to be more. So if you can try not to think about it may be more able to accept what you cannot change. Becuase your mother is her can concentrate on your relationship with your son...because he is the closest to you...and will be there for you in your older years when they come. You are a great person and have nothing to be ashamed of for your's the others that have let you down. Just continue on with all the things that interest do have many varied interests that fills up your time besides your don't let those others hurt your're too good for them anyway. You deserve to concentrate on YOU!

1:31 AM  
Blogger 2HB2 said...

My family is pretty dysfunctional as well. When I feel down about it I just try to list the people and things that make me happy. It works. Sometimes..

6:24 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Oh boy PBS, you know me of all people can relate to exactly what you're saying ;o)

3:36 AM  

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