Monday, August 28, 2006

I don't like that kind of god

The city trucks are making a lot of noise on the street, outside the window. It looks like they're trimming the trees. The neighbor lady just drove one of their cars across the lawn and knocked over my recycling bin. She didn't notice and didn't stop to pick it up. Geez I HATE that driving on the lawn thing they always do! They're such nice people and good neighbors otherwise, but have cars going across the lawn, or sitting in the middle of the lawn day and night. The cars are right under my bedroom window and that lawn is half mine, I think I'm still a bit crabby today!

I took the day off from work today, it's my birthday. Every year, no matter what, I try to get this day off. It's my present to myself. This year I really need the time off. Time to get up late and get more sleep, and time to think. I've been having an internal crisis, made up of so many parts and pieces that I'd have to bullet-point them all, so I won't.

One large part is basically a spiritual crisis, I think. About six weeks ago I started going to the same (type of, not the actual) church in which I grew up. In the collection plate I had been filling in one of those little envelopes and returning it with money. Sunday they had two collections, the second one for the Katrina victims. A couple of weeks ago I had checked off the place on the envelope where it says, "wishes to join the church" so they sent me a questionnaire to fill out and return in the included, stamped envelope.

The questions range from very detailed questions about my family (I'm divorced) to what sort of church and upbringing I have had. I'm having second thoughts about returning to my childhood religion. It's bringing up all sorts of old ugly things for me plus they don't approve of divorce. So what will happen when/if I write that in their questionnaire thingy? Once again I feel like a kid, nose pressed to the glass, looking through the window. I don't think I belong there. And if I don't, then, where?

I don't know why it's so difficult for me to accept pre-programmed thoughts and beliefs, other people seem to have little or no problem with it, but I do. It feels like putting one's thinking into a little box and sealing it up, never to venture out again. I don't like that dark, closed up feeling, I'd like some air.

So I guess I may not be returning to that church again. And as if to emphasize that turn of thought, the sermon was about wives obeying their husbands! Hmmmm, maybe we don't get to pick and choose but I don't like that kind of god. I think that one came directly from the human culture of inequality of that time. And the multiple gods and goddesses thing--I've never gotten very excited about that. It seems just--rather weird, made up and even more out of date than the regular one-god religions. Each to their own, I guess, as many people resonate with one of those two belief systems and variations of them.

So where exactly does that leave me? I don't know. But I do know what I have to do to get out of my funk: walk the dog a lot, garden, sing (badly), dance, write and create. Like Deni mentioned in her blog, I HAVE to write. It's a must for me, like eating or breathing. I also need fresh air and lots of movement to feel healthy and whole. Maybe I'll write myself a birthday poem. Happy Birthday to me, today! Have a good Monday, if you can.

12 Comments:

Blogger Heidi said...

Happy Birthday! Wishing u all the best. Have a great day and enjoy :)

8:34 AM  
Blogger Aims said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUN! Hope you have a great day.
That doesn't sound like the right kind of church for you. God forgives & God loves, he doesn't need us to fill out a questionnaire before he does that. I hope you find what you are looking for. x

10:49 AM  
Blogger BikerCandy said...

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear PBSsssss...Happy Birthday to you!

11:42 AM  
Blogger Barbara said...

Happy Birthday! :)

12:15 PM  
Blogger katie said...

Happy birthday!!
I couldn't agree more with what Aims has said.
Keep in mind that your beliefs and spirtuality don't have to be expressed in church. I hope you find what you are looking for.

1:47 PM  
Blogger Michael Manning said...

HEY! "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"=SERIOUS PARTY TIME. LIKE RENTING A LIMO (OR A CAB) WITH SOME COOL AND KOOKY FRIENDS FOR A "TIME OUT".

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND KNOW I SEND SMILES FROM FLORIDA! :):):)!!!

5:42 PM  
Blogger 2HB2 said...

Happy Birthday. Hope it's full of presents and cake and ice cream and stuff..

6:16 PM  
Blogger deni said...

Happy Birthday to you.

You know you don't have to stay in the same denomination you grew up in.

Why don't you try out churches from different denominations, maybe you will find one that suits you better.

Besides, I don't think you can put God in a box, and religions that try to lose focus of what is really important.

9:39 PM  
Blogger LucyMama said...

Well, Happy Birthday to us both. My B-Day is Thursday.
I don't know what kind of church you went to, but don't go back. Keep looking until you find one that you like. I like the smaller ones best. Seems like people are more friendly there.
All you can do, is all you can do...Love and care for those that will welcome you and pray for the rest.

12:57 AM  
Blogger Magpie said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, i will write it in my diary so I remember next year, you must send me your new address so at least I can send you a xmas card and gift...

i'm surprised that churches have questionnaires, shouldn't they welcome everyone regardless...

*hugs*

2:35 AM  
Blogger Grant said...

Hippy bertday! And tell the church to go to hell. :p

1:26 PM  
Blogger Lillee said...

Happy late birthday.

My mom had issues with joining the church after her divorce. She felt like the preacher was always chiding her in his sermons for divorcing.
In our times, divorce is so common. It's almost an expected, which is sad, most denominations ask, few say anything more.
God sees who you are on the inside, he knows your situation, and He wants you to be with other believers. That's why the church was created in the first place, so that believers would have a place of support. Don't let preconcieved ideas ruin a willingness to worship.
There's my sermon for the day...sorry

10:42 PM  

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