I don't like that kind of god

The city trucks are making a lot of noise on the street, outside the window. It looks like they're trimming the trees. The neighbor lady just drove one of their cars across the lawn and knocked over my recycling bin. She didn't notice and didn't stop to pick it up. Geez I HATE that driving on the lawn thing they always do! They're such nice people and good neighbors otherwise, but have cars going across the lawn, or sitting in the middle of the lawn day and night. The cars are right under my bedroom window and that lawn is half mine, I think I'm still a bit crabby today!

I took the day off from work today, it's my birthday. Every year, no matter what, I try to get this day off. It's my present to myself. This year I really need the time off. Time to get up late and get more sleep, and time to think. I've been having an internal crisis, made up of so many parts and pieces that I'd have to bullet-point them all, so I won't.

One large part is basically a spiritual crisis, I think. About six weeks ago I started going to the same (type of, not the actual) church in which I grew up. In the collection plate I had been filling in one of those little envelopes and returning it with money. Sunday they had two collections, the second one for the Katrina victims. A couple of weeks ago I had checked off the place on the envelope where it says, "wishes to join the church" so they sent me a questionnaire to fill out and return in the included, stamped envelope.

The questions range from very detailed questions about my family (I'm divorced) to what sort of church and upbringing I have had. I'm having second thoughts about returning to my childhood religion. It's bringing up all sorts of old ugly things for me plus they don't approve of divorce. So what will happen when/if I write that in their questionnaire thingy? Once again I feel like a kid, nose pressed to the glass, looking through the window. I don't think I belong there. And if I don't, then, where?

I don't know why it's so difficult for me to accept pre-programmed thoughts and beliefs, other people seem to have little or no problem with it, but I do. It feels like putting one's thinking into a little box and sealing it up, never to venture out again. I don't like that dark, closed up feeling, I'd like some air.

So I guess I may not be returning to that church again. And as if to emphasize that turn of thought, the sermon was about wives obeying their husbands! Hmmmm, maybe we don't get to pick and choose but I don't like that kind of god. I think that one came directly from the human culture of inequality of that time. And the multiple gods and goddesses thing--I've never gotten very excited about that. It seems just--rather weird, made up and even more out of date than the regular one-god religions. Each to their own, I guess, as many people resonate with one of those two belief systems and variations of them.

So where exactly does that leave me? I don't know. But I do know what I have to do to get out of my funk: walk the dog a lot, garden, sing (badly), dance, write and create. Like Deni mentioned in her blog, I HAVE to write. It's a must for me, like eating or breathing. I also need fresh air and lots of movement to feel healthy and whole. Maybe I'll write myself a birthday poem. Happy Birthday to me, today! Have a good Monday, if you can.