Wednesday, July 22, 2009

some jokes

Hope these jokes I received by E-mail won't be offensive to anyone. I kind of like redneck jokes since I grew up in a rather "northern-redneck" family! Do I ever have some stories about that! Some I've already mentioned in the YEARS spent blogging. Maybe I'll take a trip down memory lane some day soon.

You know you're a redneck jedi when..
- You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

- You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

- Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

- You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

- At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

- You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

- The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

- You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

- You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

- You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

- You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

- You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

- You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

- You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

- You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

- You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

- Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

Martha Stewart's Rules for Rednecks
GENERAL

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

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6 Comments:

Blogger Grant said...

I find Wookie jokes deeply offensive. :p

1:06 PM  
Blogger Lorna said...

We don't have rednecks in Canada---at the most they're pinknecks, but they're also fodder for similar headslaps.

8:34 PM  
Blogger Violet said...

I hope you don't mind that I laugh at your redneck jokes then, because I'm not one :-)

3:08 AM  
Blogger Rhubarb Whine said...

Ha! Thanks for the laugh :)

6:17 AM  
Blogger Michael Manning said...

You reminded me of the true story of George Jones taking a riding lawn mower to the liquor store when Tammy Wynette took away his car keys! :D) Of course he's still sober today, Thank God!

11:30 PM  
Blogger Maria said...

I'm from Nebraska....land of cornhuskers and rednecks. And this all made perfect sense to me...

7:33 PM  

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